Sunday, October 29, 2006


Fear is all around me. Friends and family watched Jimmy disappear within a month. How could they not be frightened?

"What are we waiting for?" they say, "Let's take that trip to Italy NOW." The NOW, of course, is 'before some horrible disease creeps into our bodies and puts an end to us.'

My husband's influence on people throughout his life was big. NOW, it's huge. Jimmy and I spent lots of time making fun of all the people we knew. We made a hobby of it. Some couples play golf and some play bridge. We would sit around and pick apart our loved ones.

"He doesn't reach into his pocket for spit. They just can't be embarrassed" we'd nod and giggle.

I wish Jimmy could see them NOW. NOW, they not only spend more on themselves. They buy me dinner. They offer to take me to a Broadway show. Who are these people? I always loved them, but NOW they're actually lovable.

The same people who are proud that "I never go to a doctor" are NOW makeing appointments for body scans. A freckle that was always there NOW looks suspicious.

Those of us married more than 25 years buy new towels for the newlyweds and joke about needing a bridal shower of our own. NOW, we throw out the old and restock the linen closet. Who's more important than us?

The other day even my 88 year old mother-in-law, known for 'stealing' Sweet and Low from restaurants broke down and bought a box.

My friends who were on a continual diet NOW suggest going out for ice-cream. My world, my small circle, feel a little like many did the months following September 11th. We NOW know we're fragile and we're scared. In some ways, it's not a bad way to live, if only it didn't hurt so much.

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