The Beginning of the Last Year

I took down my 2006 wall calendar today and I read all the notations I had scribbled in each little square beginning with January. Clueless me, innocent me, poor widow me was completely blind to what was to come.

I turned over the January page to the February page to the March page and I felt my left eye twitch as I tried to stare at April. January was filled with fun stuff and mundane happenings "Home from Atlantic City" (January 1st) or "Eyebrow consult 2PM" (January 12th) We saw Jersey Boys on the 10th and had dinner with our friends Jade and Gary on the 28th.

Hair was a big item on my calendar for January, February and March. If I wasn't cutting it I was coloring it or having it blown out or straighened. Admittedly, by May I was pretty much back to the same schedule. I just had no one at home to tell me how pretty it looked or

"What the hell did you do to your hair this time?"

There was a wine tasting at the Friars Club on February 7th that I dragged him to. I'm sure I dragged him to see Jersey Boys, too. I was the dragger and Jimmy was the draggie.

We rarely acknowledged Valentine's Day with anything more than a card but this February Jimmy bought me a gorgeous diamond necklace. I remember thinking, "hmmm...Could he be feeling guilty about something?" Now, of course, I wonder if he sensed something.

"Leave for Florida" is written in on February 24th and I am grateful for this because he loved Floriduh and this time he was the dragger. I agree with comedian Paula Poundstone who says, "Florida juds out too far on map. It makes me want to chop it off and let it drift off into the ocean."

I dragged him home on March 1st. In between, we really did have fun, visiting his brother Robert and our friends Blondie and Barry and my cousins. He seemed fine. He sheepishly bought another horse while we were down there. Maybe that's why he got me the diamond necklace. It turns out I was jealous of a filly.

I went to an Oscar party at a restaurant with my gay nephew on March 5th. We were thrilled. After all, to women and gay men the Academy Awards is the Superbowl. Jimmy was thrilled to stay home. "Go and have fun. You know I hate award shows and anyway I don't feel that well."

First doctor appointment is marked on Thursday, the 9th. His brother Charlie's 65th birthday party was that Saturday, the 11th. He was tired, but he drove the 45 minutes. He didn't feel up to going out for our traditional dinner with the kids on his birthday. That was the 14th of March. I thought he had a virus.

The next day Jimmy had a cat scan. After that, less than a month before he died, I stopped writing in the calendar. I stopped making plans for us.