Liar Liar Pants on Fire

On line dating may not require hair and make-up but it's ridiculously time consuming. Scanning profiles and photos is like looking at a police line up, but instead of picking out the serial killer we hope to choose the cop.

The same man who in the future will probably sit silently on the couch refusing to "talk about it" relentlessly sends me messages, virtual roses and chocolates, all his phone numbers, his fax and e-mail address and the deed to his house.

They see I'm a comedy writer. They make feeble attempts at humor. 99% of the time humorless Charlie Rose is funnier.

They also lie. I called someone who claimed to be 61. We were on the phone less than five minutes when he confessed to being 68. They are always "Youthful and energetic" - "No one can believe my age" they all say. This is why they lie.

"Would you have called me if you knew I was 68?" he asks. "NO" I answered loudly.

It turns out his ex-wife is my age and graduated Jamaica High School the same year as I did. I probably know her. I wonder, was it the same woman who I saw two months ago at my 40th reunion ranting about her "asshole ex-husband?"

He refused to tell me her name. Not that I'm marrying him, but it would have been a time saver. Shelly Winters said, "When you are planning to marry someone go to lunch with his ex-wife."

The same "catches" pop up on the other sites, too and not to be paranoid, in one instance I felt I was being virtually stalked. YESTERDAY I joined Jdate and someone from Plenty of Fish or was it e-harmony?... instant messaged me TODAY.

I finally called him and although he seemed sweet and fun, it didn't take long for him to confess that he wasn't only married twice, but three times. Next up was his omission on his profile that he was unemployed.

Now I'm wary of these 60 somethings who write "retired" under "occupation"... When they say they're "good in the kitchen," could they mean "Soup kitchen?"

In his attempt to be charming this guy wooed me with the old joke "My boss told me two words that made it impossible for me to work there any longer. "You're fired" I said jumping on his punchline.

And, I meant it, too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Oh, Happy Thanksgiving.

Dating on Line

I posted this photo of me. I hope nobody notices
that there's a hand growing out of my shoulder.

I went and did it. Yes. I joined TWO dating services, eharmony.com and Plentyof fish.com. Filling out the questionnaire made me come face to face with the fact that I have no interests. I have no hobbies unless you count shopping, reading, watching TV and opening the mail.

I do zero physical activities except for the dancing lessons and I hesitate to make too big a deal out of that because the lower the expectations the better. My teacher, Rainer told me I started in Kindergarten and now 8 months later I'm in 8th grade.

It's progress, but I'm limited to the Hustle and the Fox Trot and I need someone not only to lead me, but to place me. Or, better yet, RE-place me. I'll just sit it out and watch.

Not to be labeled superficial I didn't circle the highest number when asked "How important are looks to you?" I circled the next to highest so I wouldn't be matched with the guy in the deli who has one tooth.

This was a huge mistake. I should have insisted my match have a good set of dentures. E-harmony paired me with extremely odd looking men. This was discouraging. At this service they match you with who they think you'd like based on what you write.

For age I put down for 54-62 and click - a match with Ken from Freeport - Aged 60, a widower for almost ten years. Very good looking photo, gray hair and mustache, sweet smile and broad shoulders. He said he was 5'7" and I happen to like shorter men - anyone over 5'10 is just unnecessary extra height. But, I'm thinking if he wrote 5'7 he could be a midget.

We talked on the phone. It went smoothly. Gene, my ex-bereavement shrink told me when I begin to go out with men I will be emotionally back to the age before I married Jimmy. Not true. I've still lived in the world all these years. I kinda sorta almost know how to talk to a man without being uptight or slutty...a balance is the answer...I think. Okay...perhaps Gene had a point.

We met for lunch. He told the truth about his height. However, his photo was so old it may have been from his Bar Mitzvah album. The photo was a good (or bad) 8 years old. A lot happens to a face in 8 years, trust me.

A pleasant lunch. He asked me out again. I said something like 'uh, um, well, humph...' He understood. He suggested I call him if I change my mind. I offered to pay half. Happily, he said no.

On plenty of fish the questionnaire is not as intense and you get to "shop" for your match. They
select a group of men that might be a good "catch" but you can look at any one's profile and photo. It keeps you very busy, this site.

Several men were interesting and good looking and many sent me a message. I've corresponded with a few and not sure about giving out my phone number. Then, if I call them...they have it in their phone. Tricky.

It's strange, but I always played this game with myself: I would observe Jimmy from across a table or at the other end of a room and I'd ask myself: If I didn't know him would I want to get to know him? My answer was always yes. I wonder if eharmony would have paired us.

Anyway, just for the record and just to brag many men like older women. Hector at 23 was not as unusual as I thought. Gee...a baby of 26 was very persistant yesterday and today a young guy of 37. Put their ages together and I've got a match.

Obama and I Both Won Florida

Someone in the news today said that John McCain is about yesterday and Barack Obama is about the future.

After spending this past weekend in Florida I'm feeling much more future orientated in my own little world and therefore I'm in tune with our new almost President. He and I are practically one. An overstatment? I don't think so.

As some of you may know, my sense of direction is non-existent. Somehow, though, I was able to travel the roads of Florida and find my way. From the Ft. Lauderdale Airport, to Marion and Marcel (40 minutes away in Lake Worth) to Blondie and Barry in Coral Springs (another 30 minutes) to Mimi Scott in Hollywood and then back to the airport.

I was so impressed with myself my head was spinning around...which really made looking at the road ahead even more of a challenge.

You think electing the first black president is a miracle? Me, renting a car and programing a GPS and not mixing up the point A and B and winding up on road Z is like waking up from a lifelong coma.