Sunday, November 23, 2008

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

On line dating may not require hair and make-up but it's ridiculously time consuming. Scanning profiles and photos is like looking at a police line up, but instead of picking out the serial killer we hope to choose the cop.

The same man who in the future will probably sit silently on the couch refusing to "talk about it" relentlessly sends me messages, virtual roses and chocolates, all his phone numbers, his fax and e-mail address and the deed to his house.

They see I'm a comedy writer. They make feeble attempts at humor. 99% of the time humorless Charlie Rose is funnier.

They also lie. I called someone who claimed to be 61. We were on the phone less than five minutes when he confessed to being 68. They are always "Youthful and energetic" - "No one can believe my age" they all say. This is why they lie.

"Would you have called me if you knew I was 68?" he asks. "NO" I answered loudly.

It turns out his ex-wife is my age and graduated Jamaica High School the same year as I did. I probably know her. I wonder, was it the same woman who I saw two months ago at my 40th reunion ranting about her "asshole ex-husband?"

He refused to tell me her name. Not that I'm marrying him, but it would have been a time saver. Shelly Winters said, "When you are planning to marry someone go to lunch with his ex-wife."

The same "catches" pop up on the other sites, too and not to be paranoid, in one instance I felt I was being virtually stalked. YESTERDAY I joined Jdate and someone from Plenty of Fish or was it e-harmony?... instant messaged me TODAY.

I finally called him and although he seemed sweet and fun, it didn't take long for him to confess that he wasn't only married twice, but three times. Next up was his omission on his profile that he was unemployed.

Now I'm wary of these 60 somethings who write "retired" under "occupation"... When they say they're "good in the kitchen," could they mean "Soup kitchen?"

In his attempt to be charming this guy wooed me with the old joke "My boss told me two words that made it impossible for me to work there any longer. "You're fired" I said jumping on his punchline.

And, I meant it, too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Oh, Happy Thanksgiving.