Sunday, September 27, 2009

My Widow Advice #30 "Bbbbboyfriend"

Dear Carol,

I've been reading your blog ever since my husband passed away three years ago.   We were a close couple and many of the feelings you express I share.  You are more fluid in your speech than I, yet, I find myself nodding as I read you that you may as well be talking with my mouth.

My dilemma is this - I have found a man who I very much enjoy being with in every sense of the word.  We have an understanding that we will be exclusive. I have no desire to date anyone else.  He fills my life where it not long ago was empty.  So, what's the problem, you ask?

Silly, but I have a difficult time introducing him or referring to him as my "boyfriend."  We laugh about it, but I know he is feeling hurt.  We are both in our mid-sixties.  I just wish there was another word.

Why am I resisting this?  You write about M.  Is he your boyfriend?

Charlie's girlfriend,

Dear Charlie's girlfriend, Penny,

I struggle with the same issue, Penny.  I almost didn't post your letter because I'm not sure I can help you other than to reassure you that many widows stutter the word "bbbboyfriend."  You and I are not that odd..well, in this sense, anyway.  Let's dissect this together.

Is M my bbbboyfriend?  Let's see...

Boyfriend by definiton: 1. A favored male companion.  (check)
                                   2. A male friend who a person is romantically or sexually involved. (check)
                                   3. A man who is the lover of a girl or young woman. (as my father used to say,
                                       "Hold the phone!")

The age thing stops us.  We feel silly saying "boyfriend."  It sounds juvenile.  Strange that we consider giggling together until we can't breathe and sending each other idiotic text messages throughout the day to be mature and "age appropriate."  I know.  Human beings are complicated.

Somehow, when M calls me his "girlfriend" it fits and it's fine.  Why is that?  Older single women in "our third act" (Jane Fonda coined this phrase - 30 years for each act) need another word for our man friend.  I favor "my guy" for an introduction.

"Linda, this is my guy, M."
"Meet M, my guy."
"Hi.  I don't think you and M have ever met. He's my guy."

It works.  And, when you're feeling extra loving you can throw in "special" - "He's my special guy."  Great, except it kinda makes it sound like you have a trunk full of guys and you're especially sweet on this one.

There is, if you want to delve, Penny, a deeper reason we may shy away from "boyfriend,"  Could it be that if we have a boyfriend we have officially "moved on?"

We've become so adept at straddling our worlds.  When we first became a widow we were no longer someone's wife.  I remember for the first year and a half or so when someone would nonchalantly say, "Well, it's okay for you because you're single" I would recoil.  After 33 years of marriage, it threw me to acknowledge this. 

As I began to date I was fairly comfortable to be a single woman out and about. Then, I'd come home to the house we shared.  Jimmy's photos stared at me.  They reminded me of who I really am, our life together.
I'd fall two steps backwards feeling like I was playing the role of the available woman.  It wasn't really me.

My husband's been gone for three and a half years and I've been with Mickey (I know - I spelled it out)  for 8 months.  He's probably been my boyfriend for the last 3.  He's a widower.  He understands that it involves a lot of emotional juggling to take both feet out of my other world to stand firmly with him. 

And, as he and I make memories together the stakes that hold me to his world dig deeper.  This is good.
Yet, we've got to recognize that the balance of past and present continues and will continue to be a hopscotch game.

There will never be a clean slate and why should there be?  When we get to the third act, the first and second don't disappear, right?  At the end of our lives all the players come out for a curtain call.

Right now we're in flux. We're in transition, Penny. We haven't spent enough time playing this part and maybe this is why some days it feels natural to say "boyfriend" and other days it's "bbbbboyfriend."


Monday, September 21, 2009

Poor Widow Me Included in 100 Best Blogs for Boomer Health

Dear Carol,
I know this e-mail is out of the blue, but I just posted an article on my blog entitled "100 Best Blogs for Boomer Health"

Anyway, I am happy to let you know that your site has been included on that list.  I figured I'd bring it to your attention.

Have a good week.

Adrienne Carlson

Dear Adrienne Carlson,

Went to your site and you are really giving out some helpful and important information.  Thank you for including my blog - which, readers is #82. 

I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't in the top ten...I now know how Neil Patrick Harris felt last night when he lost the Emmy to Jon Cryer. Still, he got to host and wear that cool white dinner jacket. 

Life sometimes compensates and I suppose I could have been #99 or #100. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...or worse #101. No, wait, that makes no sense. 

The "Widow" category needs to be further up the line, don't you think, Adrienne?  After all, people get tired of scrolling. I know I do. Just a suggestion.

Thanks, anyway.

I am adding you to my list of "favorite blogs I read" but if you notice - you are LAST. hahahahahahahaha...


Saturday, September 19, 2009

My Widow Advice #29 This Widow is Clonely!

Dear Carol,

I am going to ask my dead husband's twin brother to have sex with me.  Just one time.
I'm not a big fan of his wife, my sister-in-law, so on that level I don't feel disloyal. 

I think my husband would understand.  I miss him so much.  I ache to hold him again.

How awful on a scale of one to ten do you think this would be?

Love your blog, btw,

Dear Judy,

I was going to blast you, but since you ended with "love your blog" my answer is - go on ahead...boff the twin. 

NO Judy - just kidding. How awful on a scale of one to ten?  Ten. I suppose I could stop here since that absolutely answers your question but your situation is just begging me to continue.

You say because you don't care for your sister-in-law, you don't consider it a betrayal to  sleep with her husband.  Guess what?  It is.

What is wrong with you?  All widows understand that fresh ache, but you're considering fooling around with someone else's husband, you numb nuts!  Grief does not entitle you to seduce your former brother-in-law even if every single freckle is in the exact same place as your late husband.

Twins or no twins there is a huge difference between them.  Can you guess what it is?
Your husband is dead and his twin is alive.

Here's some food (not literally) for thought.  My friend Jade recently performed a cabaret act and her show stopper song was from the 1986 off-Broadway show "Olympus on my Mind."

Jade sang "Wonderful" - the lyrics are about a woman who slept with her husband's twin by mistake (although, he must have known) and she was blown away (literally?) by how far more "wonderful" this man made love.

As a great philosopher never said, but should have: All men are not created equal even if they're hatched from the same egg.

BTW- It's interesting that you assume your husband would understand.  I told myself the same thing when I served M crackers from Jimmy's funeral basket.



Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Bad Reviews For Cougar Response

Dear Folks, (folks? who am I? Mini Pearl?)

Several of you told me that my response yesterday to Scorpia - the 52 year old cougar was incomplete. (a mark from school that brings back memories)

I left out something very important...a health warning. I had considered it, but then I thought - hey, she's 52 - she has to know she's putting herself and her various partners at risk. 

I didn't want to insult her...although I should have realized that since she has chosen to f--k her brains out she has no brains left.

You guys, my readers, certainly are creative when voicing a complaint. BP said,

"How could you not remind her to 'put a sock on?'

Another reader used the term "getting dressed."

I was reminded that "Senior Citizens are the new face of aids" and was directed to a Aug. 2006 article from CBSNEWS which claims nearly 27% of people living with Aids in America were 50 or older. 

This is horrifying! Is 50 really considered a senior citizen???  Oh, and the Aids thing is scary, too.

My buddy, Michele LaFong a ventriloquest/comic said it best.  

"I think it's a little dangerous that you didn't address the

Out of the unmoving mouths of ventriloquests!

P.S. SPEAKING OF TAKING BACK OR CORRECTING OURSELVES- Last night on Jay Leno I watched Kayne West who acted like an asshole on Sunday's MTV awards and ruined Taylor Swift's moment - He genuinely seemed remorceful to me - You know the old saying, "It's not what you do, it's what you do NEXT."

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Widow Advice #28 I've Turned Into A Cougar

Dear Poor Widow Me,

I would like to know if I'm crazy. I lost my husband only six months ago.  I understand this is not a very long time period compared to other bloggers who have written to you.

The truth is I could have written to you three months ago, had I had the guts to do so. 

I am 52 years old.  I am not in bad shape.  I consider myself still a sexy gal.  I have been on a fantasy campaign. I have been screwing guys on first dates, in strange places, under crazy circumstances - and I can't stop.  The funkier the situation the better!

My sex life for 28 years was nondescript at best.  I thought I was happy and "satisfied."  I am now in cougar mode and I can seem to slow it down.  One of my dates asked me if he could bring a friend over tonight.   I never hesitated and said sure, man or woman?  It's a man (thank God - I think)

I never batted an eye when he asked me.  You don't know me, but this is a 180 degree turn around for me.  I never cheated or even thought about it more than the average married woman does.

I don't even know if I WANT to stop.  I would be happy just to understand what is going on.  Any light you could shine would help.


Dear Scorpia,

Is that your name or your horoscope sign?  Oh, that would be Scorpio.  Sorry - I'm just betting it's not your real name. 

You're not crazy, sweetie. You're horney. And, I don't believe for a second that you were happy and "satisfied" for 28 years.  You know I'm right.  No doubt you feel foolish for staying so long in a medicore marriage. 

If your funky escapades began 3 months after your husband's death I bang my gavel down (not literally) on you as "Guilty for wanting to feel alive."

Do you know what married couples do when they come home from a funeral?  They make love - it washes off death.  Physical contact fills them up with life.  (And, the orgasm ain't tough to take, either)

Scorpia, you say that while you were married you didn't think about being with another man more than average wife does, but who knows how often that is?  Perhaps I should take a survey among my readers and married friends. 

 I think fantasizing is directly proportional to how long the marriage is.  Venturing a guess here, I think we mentally wander after 15 years for about 15 years and then at 30 years we settle in to appreciating the sex life we have with our old man. 

Of course, by this point we are in our fifties and no matter how good we look (for our age) unless we date blind men (not the kind who install shades) undressing in front of a new man can be as traumatic as trying on bathing suits in a well lite dressing room. 

You waited for your husband to die to live.  That's hard to admit especially to yourself, but you're not crazy.  You were 24 when you married and now you're 52...(finally playing with a full deck)

You're overindulging because now you can. You saw how quickly life can slip away. Pat yourself on the back that you didn't cheat.  Sounds like you had a fire going that no one man could match.

We all overindulge given the opportunity.  Widows have the opportunity.  Some of us shop, others drink, gamble and redecorate.  Wait...I do all four.  I'm not crazy. Or am I?

Be kind to yourself and make sure the characters you saddle up with are kind to you.  (unless you like it otherwise)

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

My Widow Advice #27 Am I A Widow If My Husband Is Still Alive?

Dear Carol,

I feel crazy writing this. Okay, are you ready? I think my husband is still alive. We buried him last August. It was just a year, the 22nd.

The thing is he loved to ski. I went to Vermont last February and there he was on
the lift with his feet dangling just the way he did that. His jacket was different, but I figured he’d have to buy all new clothes.

I looked for him the rest of the day and couldn't’ find him.

The next time I saw him was in June and he was leaving a movie theatre near our old apartment. It was raining hard and he pulled up the hood of his jacket and then opened an umbrella so he couldn’t hear me yelling to him.

And, just yesterday I was at our daughter’s day camp giving the tips to the counselors when I looked over by the fence and saw him leaning on it. The weird thing is he was smoking and he gave that up years ago.

I’m thinking we buried someone else and my Jack is out and about with amnesia not knowing he has a wife and child. Or, my mind is whirling wondering whether I am seeing a spirit?

Please tell me what to do. I am thinking of going to the police with his photo so they can be on the lookout for him.

Your friend,
Not Sure If I’m a Widow,

Dear Not Sure If I’m a Widow Angela,

“The weird thing is that he was smoking and he gave that up years ago.” THAT is the weird part to you?

Angela, Angela, Angela – Get a grip. Your husband does not have amnesia. Your life has drastically changed but it hasn't become an episode of One Life to Live, Days of Our Lives or General Hospital.

Are you seeing his spirit? I’m going to go with a booming 97% no, leaving 3% on the table like a bad tip. Plenty of people are convinced that our soul lives on and I am somewhat in that camp. “Ghosts” with Demi, Whoopie and Patrick Swayzie swayed me to believe in the power of love beyond time and space.

Unfinished business on this earth may rattle the line between their world and ours, but as I’ve said in other blog entries and at many a happy hour my husband and yours have finer fish to fry (not literally) as they travel the universe unburdened by their physical body.

And, unburdened by that theory, I take solace when I assume that he isn’t peeking in at me and my guy M behind closed doors or scratching at it as my dog Tony does. If Alison Dubois of “Medium” has taught us anything it’s that spirits never have to worry about losing their keys.

Angela, it’s natural that you see your husband in others because you miss him so much. You witness a heavy set man being tossed like a salad from an all you can eat buffet that’s HIM. You catch a guy on the train scratching his balls with one hand and signing with his other to strangers on the platform –that’s HIM.

Get some professional help and stop looking over your shoulder for your husband. He’s where he’s supposed to be…in your heart and if you didn't f--k around - in your daughters eyes.