Tuesday, September 01, 2009

My Widow Advice #27 Am I A Widow If My Husband Is Still Alive?

Dear Carol,

I feel crazy writing this. Okay, are you ready? I think my husband is still alive. We buried him last August. It was just a year, the 22nd.

The thing is he loved to ski. I went to Vermont last February and there he was on
the lift with his feet dangling just the way he did that. His jacket was different, but I figured he’d have to buy all new clothes.

I looked for him the rest of the day and couldn't’ find him.

The next time I saw him was in June and he was leaving a movie theatre near our old apartment. It was raining hard and he pulled up the hood of his jacket and then opened an umbrella so he couldn’t hear me yelling to him.

And, just yesterday I was at our daughter’s day camp giving the tips to the counselors when I looked over by the fence and saw him leaning on it. The weird thing is he was smoking and he gave that up years ago.

I’m thinking we buried someone else and my Jack is out and about with amnesia not knowing he has a wife and child. Or, my mind is whirling wondering whether I am seeing a spirit?

Please tell me what to do. I am thinking of going to the police with his photo so they can be on the lookout for him.

Your friend,
Not Sure If I’m a Widow,

Dear Not Sure If I’m a Widow Angela,

“The weird thing is that he was smoking and he gave that up years ago.” THAT is the weird part to you?

Angela, Angela, Angela – Get a grip. Your husband does not have amnesia. Your life has drastically changed but it hasn't become an episode of One Life to Live, Days of Our Lives or General Hospital.

Are you seeing his spirit? I’m going to go with a booming 97% no, leaving 3% on the table like a bad tip. Plenty of people are convinced that our soul lives on and I am somewhat in that camp. “Ghosts” with Demi, Whoopie and Patrick Swayzie swayed me to believe in the power of love beyond time and space.

Unfinished business on this earth may rattle the line between their world and ours, but as I’ve said in other blog entries and at many a happy hour my husband and yours have finer fish to fry (not literally) as they travel the universe unburdened by their physical body.

And, unburdened by that theory, I take solace when I assume that he isn’t peeking in at me and my guy M behind closed doors or scratching at it as my dog Tony does. If Alison Dubois of “Medium” has taught us anything it’s that spirits never have to worry about losing their keys.

Angela, it’s natural that you see your husband in others because you miss him so much. You witness a heavy set man being tossed like a salad from an all you can eat buffet that’s HIM. You catch a guy on the train scratching his balls with one hand and signing with his other to strangers on the platform –that’s HIM.

Get some professional help and stop looking over your shoulder for your husband. He’s where he’s supposed to be…in your heart and if you didn't f--k around - in your daughters eyes.


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