Even when I was married and heard about women divorced or widowed waiting years for "the one" I hissed to myself...LOSER! Often I accompanied that with a mature gesture - my thumb and pointer making an L on my forehead.
Now I do it to myself in the mirror...the gesture, I mean.
It's not like I haven't had opportunities - remember 23 year old Hector? And, there have been others a bit older than him, (well, it's almost impossible by law to be younger) but still appealing enough to break the ice with, so to speak.
I never let it happen. Why? Why? and to show off my French "Pourquoi?" Well, one man was married...and I cooled learning this - after all I am Dr. Friendship and "the sisterhood" is all important. It certainly showed a lack of character on his part although, to be fair, his wife didn't "get him" - the poor boy...
Without the help of my ex-bereavement shrink, Gene, who would probably shrug and say,
"How am I supposed to know?" I realized that once I have sex with someone it breaks off my last bit of being married to Jimmy.
But, this realization came a month ago. In the meantime, something shifted. I'm very in tune to these shifts because they occur regularly in surprising moments of "Wait a minute...I don't need to hold onto his clothes anymore" or "It's not really relevant what Jimmy would have done...what should I do?"
So, here I am - having another "Wait a minute moment - I think I can be with another man and
not feel that disconnect with Jimmy...or I can feel it and it's time...
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